Why Anxiety Is Your Friend
When I say anxiety is not your enemy, I don't mean that anxiety is not vital to address, or that you deserve to keep suffering through it. It really, really sucks to feel harassed by broken-record worries, to feel debilitated by restlessness in situations that other people find enjoyable, or to feel overwhelmed by stress that comes in rigorous tidal waves. I've got plenty of personal experience with anxiety, so I know it's not fun. I also have helped many people successfully befriend and overcome anxiety, so I know you're not cursed to fight it forever.
Overcoming a problem always starts with understanding it, and understanding anxiety starts with knowing its side of the story. With me so far?
So, WHY does anxiety exist? Let's start all the way back with our ancestors.
Caveman Bob was picking berries one day, when he heard a rustle from behind a bush. Was it the wind? Or a saber tooth tiger? Without knowing the answer, Bob feels a sudden rush through his body--his heart pounds faster, he gets sweaty, his muscles tense, and all his senses go on hyper alert.
Sound familiar? This is an activation of the sympathetic nervous system (the "fight-or-flight" reaction). Bob survived because his body swiftly and automatically turned on this alarm, which allowed him to run in time. If he didn't have this reaction, Bob could have been dinner.
Clearly, anxiety was helpful for Bob in this case and protected him. It acted as an alarm system that helped him survive the savannah, and it continues to help us survive modern society (like when a car honk jacks up your fight-or-flight and prompts you to jump out of the way).
But what about when non life-threatening situations make us anxious, and it gets in the way of a fulfilling life? This is the tricky part. Sometimes we react to public speaking as if it's a saber tooth tiger, even though it's not literally life-threatening. Or we're dogged by worries about our career, even though not getting a promotion is, again, not literally life-threatening.
First, let's cut anxiety some slack here. Your sympathetic nervous system's motto is "better safe than sorry." It's trying to help...really it is! But anxiety is not very good at discerning real immediate danger from problems that merely need solving or acceptance.
Wait…there is good news: You have an opportunity to work with your anxiety to find a productive balance of safety and ease. How you may ask? Here's what to do:
1. Do not avoid things that make you anxious
If a parent keeps shrinking from dogs in front of his toddler, what does the toddler learn? Of course, that dogs are dangerous. This belief gets stronger every time you avoid, and the only way for your brain to unlearn it is to approach the feared situation. Each time you approach, your brain learns, "Oh, this isn't so bad," or, "Well that sucked, but I got through it." Over time, that "toddler" (your sympathetic nervous system) will become less trigger-happy with the fight-or-flight alarm.
2. Do not avoid the feeling of anxiety
If a toddler is throwing a tantrum because she wants ice cream, and you quiet her down by giving her ice cream, what does the toddler learn? That throwing a tantrum gets you ice cream, of course. If you keep rewarding your brain's fight-or-flight reaction by giving it sweet, sweet relief (e.g., that "phew" after declining to give the wedding toast), then it will keep jacking up the alarm reaction in the future. Be firm and gentle with your "toddler" and let her tantrum for a while. I promise, it will peter out, and each time, things will calm down faster.
3. Do not avoid (seeing a pattern?) losing control
Every day, we're at the whim of a million things that we can't control. If we cut those out of our lives, we would live very narrow, inflexible lives that may be "safer," but not as rich and fulfilling.
If letting go of control is hard for you, try an experiment: Purposely leave a decision to someone else, purposely leave out one logistical detail in a plan, or purposely refrain from making a to-do list today. See what happens. Was it bad? If it was, did you survive it? You survived 100% of it.
The bottom line is: Anxiety is actually your friend, and you can actually partner with it. It’s not the smartest friend you've got, because it’s not great at nuance and moderation. BUT, it is working hard and always trying to help [keep you safe]. You can get on the same team by compassionately and patiently teaching your brain when anxiety is useful versus hampering. The best way to do this is to approach instead of avoid.
Go ahead--I challenge you to approach one thing today that you've been putting off.
